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Alright, for crying out loud, if you have ugly
feet, put on some freakin
shoes already!! - Jaret
I still don’t understand why Donuts have holes in them…I
have had it
explained to me several times, I just don’t get it…And
how in the hell do
they get pudding in those damn things…And why are they
so bad for you…And
why are they so delicious…Man, I hate Donuts…I
really hate them…I’ll still
eat them, but I plan to enjoy them much less now than in the
past…They have
really pissed me off now…God Damn the Donuts…Damn
them all…- Jaret
I think I would enjoy sky diving more if it didn’t entail
jumping out of a
plane and falling such a long distance…I prefer POOL
diving…And really, I
don’t ever dive…I just kind of jump in and sometimes
I even hold my nose…I
don’t use a parachute either…I am CRAZY. - Jaret
Why does it take so long for people to get off of a freakin
airplane…We are
all in such a rush to get on that when they tell us to line
up, we lose the
ability to form a line…We all crowd in and fight for
the overhead bins…Then
we land, and everyone seems to be taking their time…Look
man…I have been on
this god damn plane for 7 hours…Get your things and
get to baggage claim…And
while your at it, please punch the guy behind me that has
been kicking my
seat and using my seat back as a helping hand to get up and
sit down over
and over and over again…And keep your kids off the freaking
baggage claim
belt…Sure, the kid in Jerry McGuire was really cute
when he was lost and
came rolling around on the thing, but get this…I want
my suit case and I
want it now and if your kid gets his hand caught in the belt,
chances are it
will shut down and I will stand here while they cut his hand
off with a
saw…I have beer waiting on me…Lets go people -
Jaret
I think if puppies weren’t so damn cute, that the reptile
industry would be
booming. – Jaret
If I was 6 ft. 7inches tall, and couldn’t slam-dunk
a basketball, I would be
considered retarded; and I could totally accept that. – Jaret
A lot of people think that musicians all do drugs, and for
the most part, a
lot of people are really stupid because we don’t, and
that is such an unfair
stereotype…I am going to get drunk now. – Jaret
I don’t know who it was that invented cough medicine,
but how about a round
of applause for that guy…I would drink Robatussin with
my meal if they would
let me…Let’s face it, it sucks to cough…It
sucks worse to puke…Wait, I don’t
know about that…Puking is good sometimes…Especially
if you just ate
pancakes…They really are just as delicious the second
time you taste
them…But coughing does suck…Especially when you
cough up a little puke and
have to swallow it back down…Erik does that a lot, and
I always wonder what
he is tasting when he does it, but I never ask…I just
wait for him to spit
it out every once in a while, and give it a good once over…At
that point, I
can usually get a feel for what it must have tasted like to
him…I feel
bad…He doesn’t eat many pancakes. – Jaret
Is it me, or is it perfectly ok that Madonna’s music
starts to suck more as
she gets older and hotter. – Jaret
I have said it before, and I will stand by this until I die…Even
Pizza that
sucks is pretty freakin good!!!!- Jaret
I was never one of those kids that wanted to learn to fly…It
just seemed
like to much work…Hell, I quit playing basketball because
I didn’t like to
run…I’m not about to commit to flapping my arms
up and down 1000 times per
second…I knew the drivers license was just around the
corner, and I never
minded a car pool every now and then…Birds should take
the bus every once in
a while and join the laziness…We could share a cab with
them and get to know
them better…It would really put a damper on the poultry
industry because we
would be hanging out with birds and not eating them…But
I will make that
sacrifice for tweetie…Until I am hungry…Then he
is out of the car and into
the WOK. – Jaret
I have to be totally honest with you RIGHT NOW. I am in a
crowded airplane,
and I have just broken wind…That’s is right, I
let one go…I am sitting here
acting like I don’t smell it and judging reactions around
me…I think it is a
good one…I should be careful…I know there is more
where that came from and
behind the wall of stink, is a solid form that could prove
very embarrassing
if it tries to make an appearance…Wouldn’t that
be a long walk down the
aisle…I would rather walk down the aisle and marry Michael
Jackson than make
that walk…Oh man…I’ll bet the beverage cart
would pass me by for sure –
Jaret
I enjoy Brad Pitts films…Is there anything about that
statement that could
make me a homosexual?...I am not a homo-phobe…I am just
gauging my
homosexual tendencies…No big deal…I also like
to wear the occasional pair of
pantyhose, and yes, I have had a pedicure…Snatch was
a great movie…So was
that Thelma And Louise…I really have a lot in common
with the characters in
that one – Jaret
Does anyone else wonder how fast food restaurants manage to
taste the same
no matter where they are…I mean if you order a Big Mac
in the UK, it tastes
like a Big Mac…Man that is weird…They can’t
recreate a Milky way, but they
can make the shit out of America’s favorite fries…And
by the way…Are we a
little concerned that after 20 years of eating these freakin
Mcnuggets, they
all of a sudden make NEW and Improved Mcnuggets…I am
worried…Very worried…A
Big Mac Does sound good though….Doesn’t it…If
they ever improve the Big Mac,
lets all demand our money back from all of the crappy Big
Macs we had to eat
before they got it right - Jaret
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