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Today I went to the dentist…It is good
to take care of your teeth…they are your greatest asset…Without
them, eating is a pain, and opening packages requires other
tools…Beside, without teeth, how would you bite the shit
out of someone who had you in a head lock…While I am
on the subject: Your mouth is not a bottle opener…Stop
opening beers with your teeth…Jaret
I just discovered about a month ago that I like tomatoes…This
really sucks, when I think of all of the tomatoes I have picked
off and thrown away over the years…It got me thinking…What
else is out there that I have been missing by being such a
picky eater…I have decided to pay the tomato back by
launching a love for tomatoes campaign…The Slogan…"Love
Tomatoes…Fuck Mushrooms"…Jaret
I am not going to lie to you…I have looked at Internet
porn, and magazines will never be the same again – Jaret
If I were a king I would retire after a few years and relax…It
just seems like royalty can be so darn stressful; what with
all the polo, and jubilees and what not…I just don’t
see how they keep up – Jaret
Once I was walking under a tree and it dropped an apple on
my head…I was sure the motherfucker did it on purpose,
so I kicked the tree and broke my big toe…I was afraid
of word getting out that I had my ass kicked by an apple tree,
so I chopped it down and set it on fire…I am not sure,
but I think my reputation spread among the others in the tree
community, because I have yet to be hit in the head by falling
fruit since – Jaret
I want to be Captain of a ship for a day…I don’t
wish to sail anywhere, I just want to wear the outfit and
make dudes swab the deck…that shit looks hard…I
would also make people call me Captain, since that is what
I would be…My friends would get really confused and try
to call me Jaret, but I wouldn’t answer them…They
would get really annoyed and call me Captain Asshole or something,
so I would kick them off the boat…People would learn
to respect me if I was Captain…Then the next day I wouldn’t
be Captain anymore…I would be Jaret…I could apologize
to my friends for kicking them off the boat and we could all
walk by the boat again so I could call the new guy Captain
Asshole…I just want to see this thing from both sides
– Jaret
You know that Mr. T guy…what the hell is his freakin
problem – Jaret
I like television commercials…I really do…I think
it is nice that people spend so much time and money to make
their products attractive to we the TV viewing audience…I
would like to have my own commercial…I would advertise
myself as a really nice guy, but I would have a skinnier guy
play me in the ad so as to make me more attractive to the
anti fat guy community…You see, that can’t be considered
false advertising, because I would print the words, "actual
Jaret may differ slightly from the Jaret you see on the screen."
I think I would be a good seller…The stores would have
lines to pick up the new Jaret…I would be the item to
have on the Christmas list, and kids would ask Santa Claus
for a Jaret…The only problem is, there is only one actual
Jaret, so I am immediately out of print and collectable…My
God, whomever ends up with me is going to make a fortune on
E-bay…I should sell myself…I guess I need the commercial
first though…I do like commercials – Jaret
I have been thinking a lot about growing up, and all of the
relationships and broken hearts we go through…I always
wonder how many times I said "I love you" to someone
and knew I didn’t mean it…It makes me think about
all of the people that have said they love me and didn’t
mean it as well, and I get really pissed off, because I hate
when people lie…I mean, if they were lying to get in
my pants, that is one thing, but just for the sake of dragging
this heart through the mud…I don’t think anyone
has ever used me for my body, and that really, really hurts…It
really does…I want to be a booty call…Isn’t
that what we all want out of life; to be someone’s "go
to" sex slave…I forgot what I was talking about…Oh
yeah, Love…Love sucks – Jaret
If I didn’t have a cell phone, I would never talk to
half the people in my life again, and I am not sure that would
be a bad thing…Come on people…Write a fucking letter
once in a while…I am going to get a tumor if this phone
keeps ringing – Jaret
When I think of all of the friends I have in my life, I have
to thank beer…I really can’t stand a lot of them,
but when they bring over a 12 pack, it is really nice to see
them – Jaret
Why do I run the air conditioner in my car in the winter?
Because I can – Jaret
You should always ask someone if it is OK to pet their dog
when you pass by…if they say "no," kick the
living shit out of the dog and run like crazy. Just kidding.
Flip the person off and tell them you are more of a ferret
person anyway, and the dog looks like it needs to be put down
from lack of love in its life…They will let you pet it
then – Jaret
I have decided to stop buying Birthday presents for everyone
except my parents…I still expect gifts from those around
me that have always bought me things, I just really don’t
think I will be Birthday shopping anymore… - Jaret
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