| |
RANDOM THOUGHTS 3
DO you think that the late Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead
is still is grateful that he is dead, or do you think he sold
out?
Man, I’ll bet Santa Clause gets sick of cookies…I
hope that dude is not Lactose intolerant…
I always set out a Philly Cheese Steak and a beer…Fat
guys gotta have their energy…Last time he came to my
house, he ended up past out on the couch watching re runs
of Everybody Loves Raymond…Half the kids in my hometown
didn’t get presents until the next day, and I think he
may have been a bit hung over, because I hear he waited in
the sleigh and let the elves take the shit down the chimney…And
one of my friends swears he saw him puking down someone’s
attic vent - Jaret
Speaking of Lactose Intolerant…When did this whole thing
come about…When I was a kid, if milk made your stomach
hurt, you drank something else…I never heard of Ice Cream
making someone fart…I don’t get it…Eat your
fucking Oreos and shut up…If you don’t like cheese,
pass it down…Oranges give me bumps on my tongue, so I
DON’T eat oranges…What a concept…I am Citrus
Intolerant…Where are my pills…I have to have an
orange in an hour… - Jaret
I don’t smoke pot…But I sometimes hang around people
who do…They always have great snack ideas, and if you
are low on cash, it is a good group to hang out with for a
free meal…If all of your friends are stoned, just start
talking about cheese pizza, or graham crackers with peanut
butter…You’ll be well on your way to snack heaven
in no time at all!!! Don’t forget, they all love dessert
as well!!! - Jaret
I like watching stoned people on Thanksgiving or at a big
buffet…If they could move faster, you know they would
fight…- Jaret
Ham Vs Bacon
In America, there is a definite distinction between "Bacon"
and "Ham"…The confusing thing happens when
you order pizza…"Canadian Bacon", as a topping,
means you want "Ham" on your pizza…However,
in Canada, "bacon" is "bacon", and "ham
is ham", and there is not really an item called "Canadian
bacon" unless you are referring to bacon from a Canadian
pig…Bring in the UK…A "Bacon" sandwich
is a "ham sandwich", and things that have "bacon"
on them come with "ham"…For Example, if you
order "bacon" on a cheeseburger, you get a slice
or two of "ham": unless you are at an American fast
food chain, where, of course, "bacon" is "bacon".
I am not even sure they make "bacon" in the UK,
which is fine with me, because I don’t like "bacon"
but I like "ham"…This means in the UK, I like
"bacon"...I knew a guy in school named Al Bacon…Kevin
Bacon was in Footloose…Jack Ham played linebacker for
the great Pittsburgh Steelers of the late 70’s. And I
played soccer (football) against Mia Hamm when I was growing
up, and she is a big star now…
Can someone please help me with this?
Side note: I don’t like bacon or sausage, but I like
ham…I like sausage if it is in stuff, like Queso or on
a biscuit…I also really like white meat pork, or most
pork in Chinese Food or Barbecue…I don’t like Miss
Piggy, but the Three little Pigs are OK…Porky the Pig
is an Asshole, but that Wilber from "Charlotte’s
Web" was "SOME PIG." - Jaret
I hate being on an airplane and going through a lot of turbulence…I
have started dealing with it by pretending I am on a boat,
at the lake…Sometimes I even look back and give the water
skier the finger…If the flight attendants were in bikinis,
and the cabin smelled like sun tan lotion, I would be tempted
to pee over the star board side of this puppy while its moving.
– Jaret
Speaking of airplanes…How many people wish they would
just have a plane set up somewhere at the airport so we could
practice sliding down the big yellow inflatable slide…You
put a kiddie pool at the end of that thing, and you have an
entire afternoon of fun…AND we are all going to have
experience if we ever really need the thing. Remember to take
your shoes off. You don’t want to ruin the fun for everyone.– Jaret
Question for all of the guys out there…Does anyone else
go through periods where when you are done going pee-pee,
you put yourself up, and a little squirt of pee decides it
wants to make a daring escape and places a little wet dot
on the front of your pants…I hate when this happens…If
it is really bad, you have to put a little extra water on
so people will think the sink was just really strong…And
when you return to your group you have to announce, "Man,
watch out for the sink…It is a soaker." I am in
a dry spell right now, but a year ago, it was really bad…And
I don’t wear underpants, so basically I was going down
my leg…Really uncomfortable on a cold day. – Jaret
If I owned a cruise ship, I would give free cruises to hot
chicks who liked to sun bathe topless…I think this would
really help bring in the business…I wouldn’t even
have to advertise…I would just need to cruise around
some places that had big crowds a few times and then word
of mouth would get me the business…The girls could make
extra cash by having tip jars and talking smack to all of
the dudes…Who thinks I am a GENIOUS? - Jaret
|
