It doesn’t trouble me that the US is such a fat nation. But if we could get the rest of the world to start eating a cheeseburger or two, we could fatten them up. Then wouldn’t it be fun to make fun of those fat asses!!! - Jaret


I think people that don’t like hot dogs are obviously very troubled and should not be allowed to eat mustard on anything – Jaret


I remember waiting for my mom to pick me up from the movies when I was a kid and thinking to myself, if I new she was going to be this late, I would have seen a later movie." But what the hell would I have done until the movie started? I wasn’t a very smart kid. – Jaret


I wish I could have met the guy who coined the WORD "fart." I’ll bet he had a few more up his sleeve. You know he had a few that were even better. – Jaret


If I was a cat, and someone threw me off the roof to see if I would land on my feet, I would flip twice and land on my back. Just to piss them off. – Jaret


Living in Texas is great except for all of the cow poop you get on your shoes. It is really tasty though. – Jaret


Being in a band is fun. But I’ll bet being in a band of pirates was fun at times as well. While I’m on the subject; Isn’t "Walking the plank" a lot like walking off the diving board at the pool, only without all of the chlorine you get up your nose. – Jaret


I am terrified of mice. Seriously, I hate the little things. They scare me to death. I want them all dead. I’m not going to blow up Disney Land or anything. I just don’t like mice. Mickey is safe. Relax! – Jaret


When people misspell my name, it doesn’t really make me mad. But if I had the chance I would pee in their milk shake. Not because I meant to, because I don’t know how to make a milk shake. – Jaret


You can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but they will watch you play ball with yourself for hours while you are trying. – Jaret


I buy myself something nice for Christmas every year whether I have been good or not. Once I bought myself a pellet gun as an early gift. Then I sat outside and waited to pop a cap in Santa when he showed up. He’s a chicken shit!!! – Jaret


Whoever said that drinking and driving don’t mix wasn’t entirely correct. They actually mix, just not very well.Unless you are looking to drive into a wall and not remember it the next day; then they mix just fine. - Jaret


I wish I had started playing the guitar instead of football when I was a kid. Maybe then I would be a better player and I would still have both testicles. – Jaret


The whole idea of trading beads for a look at a girl’s breast is somewhat intriguing. It seems like both the flasher and the one being flashed get the short end of the stick. If both went into a strip club, the guy couldsee boobs for free and the girl could walk with like $700 a night instead of 75 strings of beads that will hang from a coat rack and remind her that she should never drink vodka again. - Jaret


I think ice cream was doing just fine before someone started putting candy and cookies into it. Now it is like the crack cocaine of dessert food. I am so addicted and I blame Ben and Jerry. Those sons-a-bitches. PHISH FOOD is delicious. - Jaret


Just to set the record straight. I never said I didn’t like "fish." I said "Phish." I’ll bet I would like both a lot better if I smoked pot. Since I don’t, I am sticking with tuna. – Jaret


My parents don’t remember the same things about my childhood that I do. Usually when they say, "remember this," or "remember that," I always say "no." Then I say, "remember how mad you guys got when I peed in the chimney and pierced my ear on the same day?" And they say "no." I wonder if I was raised by imposters while my actual parents vacationed in the tropics. Maybe my folks stopped in for a day or two every once in a while; just to make sure the imposters were doing a good job. They really had me and my brother fooled. I wonder what the imposters are doing in retirement. I really miss them. – Jaret


I wonder why no stick figures are overweight? – Jaret


I was so glad when I found out that masturbation is normal. I thought I was going to be the only blind kid with hairy palms. That didn’t really worry me. I don’t want to offend the hairy-palmed people of the world. You look fine. It looks really good on you. What does it feel like to pet a dog? – Jaret


I have forgotten just about everything I learned in school except for the Pledge Of Allegiance. And now they are changing that. 13 years with nothing to show for it. It WAS a great place to meet chicks though. – Jaret


Nothing makes me happier than seeing guys that used to beat the crap out of me when I was in school sweeping up beer bottles after one of our shows. "When you finish with that, there is some puke in the dressing room that has chunks of celery in it. You may need a mop for that." I love my job. – Jaret


By the time I was big enough to fight back against my older brother, he was old enough to be arrested for assault if he hit me. Torn, I took my beating like a man. But, I stopped letting him fart in my face when I was 13. – Jaret


If I ever have an out of body experience, I hope Bowling For Soup is playing in the room. I have always wanted to see one of our shows. – Jaret


I don’t’ see anything wrong with going out with a girl because her mom is attractive. But, if her Dad kicks your ass, don’t blame me. – Jaret


Is it me or did TV used to really suck. And why is it that I didn’t think Mary Tyler Moore was hot when I was a kid; and now when I see her on TV its better than porn. – Jaret


You know, no one is born a menace to society. That shit takes work. – Jaret


We visited Alcatraz when we were in San Francisco. I remember thinking to myself; "I could swim that bay." Then I finished my beer and got back on the ferryboat. It was a rough ride back, but we are all fine. It was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there. – Jaret


The Statue Of Liberty looks a lot smaller in person. TV really does add a few pounds. – Jaret


Whoever had the idea to milk cows was probably some pervert. I mean, what was his motivation. "Those calves may be onto something. Martha, hold Bessie still. I’m gonna give it a try." That’s just bad. I’m glad milk comes in bottles now. That’s a long way to bend down, and I’ll bet it stinks under a cow. – Jaret


Is the guy who shot John Lennon still alive? Let’s go cut that guys balls off. – Jaret